Most of my friends are creative people. Actors. Writers. Gamers. It's a vast community of people who take to drama like fish take to water. I hate drama. I know I've discussed this before. Drama is a terrible thing. It breaks friendships and divides groups into factions and "sides." And neither side is ever completely in the right.
And all-too-often, the effects of drama are permanent.
Sometimes, that's a good thing, by the way. Sometimes, two people who blow up at each other need to just walk away from each other and then stay away from each other, because it's healthier for everyone concerned.
But the worst is when two people appear to have done that, and the drama comes back.
Seriously: Holding on to anger and hatred and pain is not healthy. Holding onto it long enough that most folks had figured it had gone away? That's dangerous.
Not that I have a ton of room to talk, here. I've got a handful of decade-old grudges. Of course, I've never buried those grudges or pretended everything was okay. I haven't hidden those grudges. People with whom I have outwardly-directed drama know about it.
Nothing infuriates quite like receiving an e-mail from a well-meaning third party five years after the drama that boils down to, "I think you should apologize."
Why is this so infuriating to me:
- I don't believe in shallow or insincere apologies. If you don't regret what you said or did, why are you apologizing? I think that elementary school teachers have done us all a grave disservice by forcing kids to apologize to one another. If you don't regret a thing, don't apologize for a thing. If you do regret a thing, then apologize. Through a third party if necessary. I should turn this paragraph into a full entry sometime. At the current speed at which this blog updates, watch for that update in late 2018.
- It's been five years. Either I've moved on and adopted a "live and let live" attitude or else I'm not concealing the presence of drama. If I've moved on, then I don't care. If the drama is ongoing on my end, then I'm really not likely to apologize.
- If someone is still in pain after five years, they need help, not an apology. In fact, if pain has been festering for half a decade, an apology isn't likely to actually help (even if one were forthcoming), because it requires contact with the other party and so may aggravate that pain.
And that's even before we get into the way so many apology requests from third parties are couched. "I think it would be good if you would ... " "It might help if ... " "Have you considered ... " Sometimes they use the "we." As in "is there any way we could ... "
These almost never receive positive responses from me.
The first one is the best option (other than just keeping quiet). Because the "I think" or "I feel" that precedes these makes it clear that you're talking on behalf of yourself and not acting as a puppet for another party. While you're still trying to steer my behavior, you're doing so in a way that is less blatantly manipulative.
The next two seem to suggest that I still care about the situation in question enough to dig it back up. Frankly, if it's been five years and I don't bring it up all the time, then I probably don't care enough. If we were still in the middle of the drama, these would be okay. But after the drama has been laid to rest? They're stupid.
And the "we" phrasing in that last one just pisses me off. It sounds like you are trying to speak for me, and I speak for me. If I want or need to say something, I'll say something. And, if the "we" is you and the other party I'll care even less.
So, to summarize: LET DEAD DRAMA REST.
